It wasn't supposed to be this way.
Kill me now....

I should never read old conversations again i swear....

Reading that im her life, that she cant ever lose me, that she needs me, that she loves me....and now...she doesnt even want to really talk to me, doesnt want to hug me except when i say bye ...
....Where did all the love go? the love i need? the love i crave?

What happened? where did it go so wrong....when did her love turn into such hate.

I dont know how much longer i can keep this up, i've fallen off the edge for her several times, i try everything i can to make her smile, I give her gifts even though she doesnt like it when i do for a chance to make her hate me less.

But everything i do....it pushes her away, makes her mad....makes her want to be away from me.

I hate this new world, when will it end?
I need to run away, but i dont want to be away....
She's long over me...why am i still like this, its been like 7months, why is she still my everything?

I feel like im about to break apart
The fights, the stress, the tension...its so great

I love her, i know she loves me, i can see it in her crystal eyes
....But im on the ledge, i feel as if im gonna fall and collapse into a shell of myself

..When i do...will she still love me? will she want to be with me? Or will she retreat from my shattered form?

When i...if i....should i shatter apart, can i hope she will piece me back together and we can go back to how our perfect love was? or will i only break it apart more? Will i ruin it beyond repair?

I dont know what to do anymore, im not seeming to learn to shut my mouth about things i should know will make her mad, and in turn make me mad back at her for how she acts when she's mad.

Why do i do what i do? if our actions define who we are, then im not a very great person. Broken trust. That alone should be enough to condemn me, But i hurt her after that. And yet i still havnt learned to do everything to keep her happy.

We've changed...is it cause of age? or something else? I love her...she loves me....I love being around her...till she gets mad. Where did i go wrong....I think i know, i do know it was my fault. I just dont want to admit that i screwed up the best thing i had.

Guess thats what i get for being in my first serious relationship, most people go through a few and learn from the mistakes....my previous knowledge...a girl who left me after 2weeks for her ex, and a girl i saw once and talked to like 3times while dating for a month. So i had no help, I gave it my all, and eventually slipped up. If only i had more experience perhaps i wouldn't have done what i did. Perhaps everything would be better? or perhaps worse? Guess i cant dwell on the past, only the present and future.

However all i know right now is that im just making things worse....and am going to break down one of these days, i hope she's not around when i do, as much as id want her there, id rather go through that day alone, have no one see that side of me. See if i have the strength alone to get through that..and when i do perhaps i can be more the man she deserves.
More the man i should be, more the man i used to be.

Ah that feels so much better righting about that, if i am going to shatter apart into a endless sea of blue, this postponed it for now at least
(Yes i realize the content look of this is boring compared to the rest of my journal...but im really not in the mood to pretty this up, nor do i think it should be"

Its been along while since i posted in here. Its not cause there is nothing to say, i just find that I'm never in the mood to blog...or when i am in the mood, i get distracted, or cant get online.
The biggest problem with not blogging in awhile is that so many events that i could have done entire entries on are now going to be forgotten as I type, or get a short few line mention, Its a shame really.

Im not even sure where to start when its been so long since i've been here. I guess i'll begin with some past events that had some significant importance to me.

The first thing that i can think of would be a few days after my last entry, It was a warm summer night, and after a short stint at a friends party we decided to run away to a nearby School yard. Michelle was a little under the influence of alcohol during this time, but not very much. After a short amount of time fooling around on a area near the field one thing lead to another and we ended up making love under the stars.
When it first happened i was alittle nervous cause a van kept driving around and theres always the fear of being caught (But Michelle is turned on by public displays of love so it works out well in the end) But now looking back on it, Im glad it happened. It was fun and exciting.

So this past weekend was the famed Anime Evolution
I was unable to afford a pass this year, which mainly failed since i wasnt able to meet Scott Ramsoomair the creator of VGcats

It appeared that i didnt dress up this year, But im such a ninja that my outfit was hidden
But overall the Convention was great, Saturday had its up's and downs, (since when your around people who are in a bad mood, it drags you down)
The biggest highlights were the "How to be a better Cobra Soldier"
...
HAIL COBRA
...*ahem*

There was a recording of the panel, so once i find it, it will be posted on here, Since it was about 90minutes of non stop laughing
The other highlight From AE was the concert Featuring "BACK-ON" my newest J-Rock Addiction
It's best to think of them as a Japanese Linking Park

The Concert was the first Canadian performance from the already popular and quickly rising group, and they even played a song that has never been played live before "Flower".
Here is one of my more favorite songs from the Band


That was mainly it for AE this year
Not as big for me as last year, but i still had alot of fun ^^
.....Hail Cobra >_>

"okay well we were on the way to the hill during my spare. i was nervouse because i wanted something to happen, i wanted something more then just the times in your room. When we were sitting on the hill i looked at you and couldnt help but crave your touch. i didnt want to make the move. so i sat there for a while. after a while i couldnt help it, I leaned over and kissed your cheeck. i didnt know if you wanted it but i kinda guessd when you gave me your reply. i was happy that you wanted it and from then on i only wanted more"

After i read that little comment on MSN, i just wanted to kiss her more then tenderly, more then passionately, more then....umm sexually

Me and Michelle have passed our four Month in our relationship, And i couldnt be happier.
To love, To be loved, Such a incredible feeling, And it just continues to grow stronger as time passes

My paycheck is coming around soon, and i REALLY REALLY need to find Michelle a great gift, Something Meaningful
...As a male, this is really hard thing to find, and time is running out

Whatever i end up getting, I just hope its good enough to make he stand stunned for a minute or two ^^

Well thats it for now, I leave you with A second song now ~
>_>
Hail Cobra
<_<
I WANT EYES LIKE THIS (Well not like female style, just the colors)

I shall buy contacts and do it
i swear i will


AND ~-~-~-~-
Michelle got a overly sexy top

Damn i love that Girl, So incredibly Much.

.....Hail Cobra (ok i'm done)

All seems natural as you get older. As of Saturday I legally became a Adult with the passing of my 19th birthday.

This Post is mainly a look back over since my last birthday, Ending with the events of what I did for my 19th (Which really wasnt much....Im not the type to make a big deal out of my birthday)

A year ago everything was....alright at best, Had some close friends, and fell out with a really close one i had for over five years. Everything is good now, Which im glad for.

The first Big thing i remember that marked a huge change in my life was when i went to a AE (anime evolution) Meet-up. I was nervous at going, but I got a girl named Ashley's number from the forum, Called her up after 20minutes of hesitation, and had people to meet-up with before the event. This lead to my random encounter with a girl named Sammi who i nearly instantly became close friends with, And because of that my life was forever changed. I quite like how we meet though -
Sammi : I'm hungry
Me: I'll buy you food, lets go

And that is our meet-up story ~


Somewhere around this time me and a girl who i knew only from online named Yara started a online relationship.
She loved me (or so i remember her saying) and while i didnt feel that way about her, i tried it out to see if i could love her, and make her smile. But it didnt work out, i couldnt handle the distance..i craved something tangible

From that First AE meet-up, since I made a few friends i went to a second meet-up where i witnessed Sammi do Ecstasy. At that time i was completely anti-drug....But watching her reaction to everything that was happening when she was on it made we want to try it.

After ALOT, and i mean A HELL OF ALOT of thinking, i decided to try it. At the next meetup i meet-up with sammi and took a cap...at that point there was no going back, but i didnt regret it.

It was that night that i met Alicia...and later that night, the king Mr.Kage (well he used to be the king...He was one of the most awesome people i ever met)..well i met him like the night before, but not the point.

Me and Alicia seemed to get along pretty well, and Kage thought she liked me..and next week when i invited her to Metro town with some friends his thoughts were confirmed ~
First I Guess i'll say that she was having trouble with her boyfriend at this time, He was annoying her at every moment, and she thought they may break-up.
I randomly said, "Well if you two break up, I'd totally date you"
I was abit surprised when i heard her say "I'd date you to"

Some time passed and at about 9pm, Just before we were about to leave; We sat down against the wall outside of Sakura Media. She leaned on me, so i put my arm around her. She looked at me and said
"So are we friends with benefits now?"
I replied with a simple "No, They kiss and do other things"
At that point she tilted my face towards her and kissed me softly then said "how about now?"
From there we ended up making out. My first make-out,
After i got home, hell even on the bus ride home, i could hardly contain my happiness.
We chatted more and her and her boyfriend broke up....I told her that after the 2 weeks customary period that I would ask her out since she told me she wanted to date me, and kiss me.
She didn't want to wait, So that night I started my first tangible relationship.

I didnt know what to think. That a pretty girl like her could like someone like me.
But this bliss was not to last, Within 13days she broke up with me because she couldn't live without her Ex. She went back to him.

I was in the dumps, Trying to pull myself together...I acted all good, but something was missing.


Next big event that happened was New Year's
The last night i really enjoyed doing E. I took 3 capsules of pure within 30minutes (which isnt that smart to do)
Everything,.,....and i mean everything was intense. Nothing in my vision stayed still, It jumped and skipped areas. Think of when you turn your head from point A to B; and you see everything inbetween the two locations move as your vision turns. Well for me it was random areas on the turn it jumped...nothing casually moved with my head, it just instantly jumped to the next area....and never in straight even line, all the item would be at different heights, or distances from me with every skip.

glow sticks not only left long light trails, but the trails waved and pulsated. It was unbelievably intense...(i know you hate all this Michelle </3)

After that night I started losing touch with the people i called the Richmond group...It sucks, but i started hanging out with my hometown friends more again and had fun.

I mainly lost touch because i started my first and so far only semester of College. I took Psych, Japanese, And English....and didnt get very good grades in any of them....C+ avg.
*sigh*
During the school year, I asked out a young Filipino girl named Katherine. I mainly asked her out cause we were kinda close, and she said one the phone that she should date me one day.

That relationship was...well nothing, I saw her once, she never talked to me, it was full of Flaws.
It last about a month, then she basically cut off all contact with me.

After school finished i hit a snag in what to do. But soon the best thing to happen to me so far would happen

Due to a random MSN name me and Michelle ending up Dating
While we were unsure of our feelings at the start of the relationship, they started to grow at great speed.

Spending nearly everyday together we became very close, very fast. It only took about 6weeks before we fell deeply in love, and became addicted to each other.

(There isn't to much intimate detail on this since...well I started blogging before we dated, So all the information on us is already on this journal)


With a look back this year held so much to me, and alot of it will remain in my memories much more then other years.
Great new friends, Relationships, Sorrow, Drugs, Change, and Michelle and Love.

Now for my actual Birthday, Me, Michelle, My Sister, And her friends all went down the to fireworks. They were great, I didnt mind the long walks, crowds, and commutes one little bit for the show that was presented.

My Sisters B-day gift to me was a Tongue Piercing. While it looks good, it'll be a bitch until i can eat and make-out again
...They told me the worst part was when they put the clamp on your tongue cause of the annoyance...
THEY LIE...the worst part is when the stick the needle through your tongue


Well since my details are getting sloppy, and my tale is basically done, I shall leave this post at this. ~

Short little post on recent events ~
Its 5am, im not really in the mood to blog, but at the same time unfortunantly  not in a I'm not in a creative enough state to make this one have nicer fancy words and color mixtures.

It has been a few weeks since I posted. A what a interesting few weeks they have been
I was kinda fired from my job since they laid off ALL the temp employee's. So now my income is cut off again. It kinda...no it really Pisses me off. I really needed money right now. Im supposed to be moving out soon, and i need to spoil my Michelle.

I should be really focused on job hunting, but im far to lazy. It makes me think i shouldn't think of moving out, not till im more responsible . I cant handle cooking and cleaning EVERY night. not to mention losing about half my paycheck's on food and bills.

But the good part in being basically fired is that it happend the day before mine and Michelle's 3rd month anniversary. So i got my dad to drive me to the store to buy some nice flowers and I showed up at her doorstep.
She was so surprized to see me there. Her jaw was dropped for literally at least a minute.

Easily the best and most memorable thing that happened was what me and Michelle did 2 Thursday ago, 2 days after our 3month anniversary.
Michelle was over, She was wearing a dress....I cant control myself when she wears her Dress or Skirts. One thing lead to another and we ended up having Sex. It was my first time, i was a little nervous, but I wanted it. I'm really glad that I lost my virginity to someone I love (not to mention a complete and utter cutie), Not just to some girl. <3 <3
I Kind of think that I enjoyed that my and Hers body's were that close, Our relationship that far, Our love that strong abit more then the actual sex itself....Is that odd? or normal?

It has been FAR to long since i last posted in here.
Its not that nothing has happened, its just that i didn't feel like posting much (and almost nothing has happened)

I'll guess i start with the little things that have happened in the order i remember then.
One thing that was cool was that my Aunt is lending me her computer for awhile, So now i have a comp in my room that has a nice flat screen monitor and is about five times faster then our comp. Transferring files was a bitch though, It took me about 9hrs to copy all my stuff onto here.
This comp meant i had to re-arrange my room, But i actually really enjoy doing things like that. I find it odd how a small room takes much more time to re-arrange.

I also FINALLY got a job, i start on Wed and make $12/hr. Which is more then enough to move out with Jenn near the end of August and pay for a trip to visit My friend Morgan near the same time.
The only thing im not going to like is that i wont be able to spend as much time with Michelle. After spending basically 6 days a week with her for our entire relationship its gonna take a while to get over the massive Michelle cravings i am going to have. But i'll be able to spoil her and get my piercings i want ^^
...and she will be spoiled....Suffer Michelle, i will spoil you

Friday night was a night to remember. Not for the birthday party that I went to, but for the after-party.
About an hour before I would have had to left to walk Michelle home, she turned to me and said "Run away with me?"
I had no hesitation in joining her, We walked by the school near her house and made-out on the picnic table in the playground, Well made-out and did a little of something else.
I wanted her, She wanted me...Unfortunately she wasn't wearing a skirt, and i didnt have any protection. But one night we will return there.
Perhaps its the fact that it was a public place, but kissing her at the school at night felt different, it was a in the moment passion.
The next day i woke up with a headache and was unable to hang out with Sammi, Which REALLY sucked cause i havn't seen her in forever T.T
It took till about 2:50 before i was able to get out of bed. From there i went to a beach party with a group of my friends. It has been months since i last went to a beach, it was alittle chilly out, but it was a fun day non-the less
Me and Michelle left early and spent a hour at my house.

Today she came over again (Cause well, we wanted to see each other as usual), We spend alot of the day playing crappy trail version computer games that were HIGHLY entertaining.
About an hour prior to when she had to go home we started fooling around, I'll skip all the details of that though, no need for you people to read that.
She kept saying sorry for scratching my back in the process, But i really didnt care. My back is all red now though (I kinda like it for some reason...actually i kinda like it when her nails are digging into me...maybe its just cause it makes me think im giving her alot of pleasure...and even if not, thats what i will continue to think)
My back will only have like one small mark by morning, so its no big deal.

Damn i want(ed) her, And she wanted me (I know cause she told me)
I really need an hour alone with her, with no parents home.

But Something was wrong that night, Something that i didnt know, and she didnt know.
Not long after we finished doing what we were doing, She started to cry, And she told me she didn't know why. It was a random cry.
I really hope i didn't have a part in the reason, I already made her cry once from the E, i don't want to be the source of it again. The look of her face when she cries is so sad, It would kill me inside if I was the source of it.
She says she'll tell me if she finds out the reason why she randomly did. Maybe it was something subconscious from her past that came up...
               But whatever it was,


That's enough for now,
Today's song
Billy Talent - "This Suffering"

So much has happened, so much has passed. Im entering a new life, and it couldn't be with someone better.

A few days ago Me, Aaron, Britt, Corey, And my lovely Michelle all went to the Richmond night market.
And DAMN I WISHED I HAD MONEY ><
they had 1080 carbon steel battle ready katana's (those things can cut stainless steel ones which are found in all normal knife stores in half if you know how to swing it)

Aaron is a great friend, he bought me food ^^.....and ice-cream

For almost the whole night, Michelle did not leave my arms, i was so happy
I was trying to get her alone for a single second to try and say "I think i love you"
but couldn't get the nerve to say it

Then next day i was told to go to metro with Michelle and Catherine as they went Bra shopping, cause Catherine's new boyfriend Tyson was going and she didnt want to be alone with him for some reason.
It seems pointless to date someone if you dont want to spend time with them, but oh well

The day involved ALOT of walking, and stealing poutine from Michelle, and her changing into a dress in the middle of the mall

Besides Grad i never saw Michelle in a dress
It was fun making comments like "Your such a female"

The night wasn't to great, well ok, a lot of the night with just the two of us in my room was great. I think im getting better at pleasing her XP

But my parents were talking about if i dont get a job soon, that they might kick me out of the house, and to hear them actually sound like they were serious a few minutes later in there room talking about places i could go live at, it kinda scared me that they would do it.
Im not so concerned right now, but i was really down that night.

"I reached for the moon, but my grasp was not enough, the light fades and hope dwindles. Only one star remains"

Me and Jennifer were talking about places we could live together that were close by, so when i do move out, perhaps me and Jenn will live together.
I always wanted to live with a cute Asian girl ^^

My phone was taken away as well, so now i have no way to contact anyone



So Sunday came around, it was hot, boring, lifeless
On that note Michelle came over and life sprung forth

We did more random things like a word-search and attempted to do a crossword.....but utterly failed at it

It was a nice change from spending all the time in my small room, and having the music on my computer going and randomly singing songs

Speaking of songs, I recently went on a downloading spree, i got alot of songs i used to listen to when i was younger, Its such a nostalgic feeling listening to such old songs
I loved every minute of it

Anyways, back to the main topic here, Sunday night
Awhile back Michelle told me that she would give me her heart on a piece of paper if she ever loved me, and i thought it was the cutest thing i ever heard.

I dont remember how it happened, but i had to draw one for her as well, so i spend about 30minutes drawing a sort of tribal like heart.
I kept telling her that it wouldn't be my real heart, it was just to get idea's for when i drew my actual one for her.

Cept, the second i finished drawing it, i put it over her heart on her chest.
She looked at me for a second and said "It's your heart, you can't give me this till you love me"
I looked back at her "I think i do" came from my lips
She told me that she wanted to give me hers yesterday but it wasn't finished yet. So it looks like both of us started to love the other at basically the exact same time.

I got her heart today at school (I liked it alot more then the one i drew) it's framed on my wall right now

Well thats about it on my end, I'll keep you posted on my relationship status, and my job hunt as more time passes ~

Edit: I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT THIS
last night we had a thunder storm, I love thunderstorms, in my old house i used to sit by the window and stare at the sky for hours till they were over. In the apartment i dont have a good enough window to just go look out at them, But untill the rain got to heavy i must have spend more then 30minutes in the back yard area just watching the sky.
Thunder storms and lighting = love

Today i leave you with a old song i loved

Story Of The Year - "Until The Day I Die"

No matter how good, or how bad things are going for me, i'll always be a little paranoid about something.

Currently everything is good (Cept that fact that im STILL JOBLESS, guess stores dont me, or i havnt found the right ones to apply at...and if i dont get a job soon, my mom will take my phone away, and send me to the army....
I DONT WANNA GO o.O)

with everything good thought, i start to wonder. Even if i told 100 times over that something i did was alright or good, i still have that thought in the back of my mind "what if they're lying to make me feel better"

I know i shouldn't worry about it, even if they are not telling the truth, it shouldn't be a concern for me...but i cant help it.
Its what i do
I worry
I fret
I wonder
I give what i can to them to reassure myself

With Friends i wonder if im being there enough, if i do enough.

With Michelle I not only wonder that, but i constantly worry that im being compared.
For everything i do with her, or to her, i wonder if she's thinking somewhere in the back of her head "He was better" or "He was worse"
And as we get closer, if we get to Sex, then that will be one of my biggest worries, Being compared.

That's just the basis of my Paranoia, i could go deeper, but its not much deeper then that

Tomorrow is Michelle's Grad night, or Prom night

I dont remember if i said i would, or she just wanted it, but she forced me into making her a poem
I haven't written in about two years but i was fine with it.....but she says it has to mean something
Which of course makes it a challenge
I finished the rough copy of it, and will post it after I give it to her tomorrow
(It probably sucks, and is corny,...but your always your own worst critic)

I wonder if its odd that i feel sad that i wont be dating a schoolgirl when she graduates. Its not like she ever wore the outfit.....Crap i only have a month left to make her wear a schoolgirl outfit for me

That's it for today, i leave you with a calming song

Been awhile since i last posted....and i'd quite like to get rid of that last post i did from my front page
So......

The past little while has been mostly great for me
Mine and Michelle's 1 month came up on Thursday, and despite her saying "I dont want, or expect anything" and etc, etc, i showed up at her school at lunch with a bouquet of lilies. (I got Morgan to find out her favorite flower for me)

Despite her being alittle mad that i got her something, she seemed quite happy ^^
we spent the night doing what we normally do, watching movie's and cuddling.

On Friday night, i went out to dinner with my grandfather and cousin and ran into her and some friends in the restaurant, so i "went to the bathroom" and spend some time with them,
Shortly after i was told to go to the movies (Shrek 3)with them for the pure purpose of giving Michelle a hug according to her text XP
We didnt get seats with everyone else, so we found 2 chairs in the back row...and did the typical couple thing to do at the movies
On Saturday night she took me out to dinner
I wasnt up for the idea of her paying for me (cause im broke) but she told me to suffer
And that night i took our relationship to a new level, with giving her Oral.

its only been just over a month, perhaps it was abit fast, For her it could be fast, for me everything im doing is brand new to me so im sure if i should be doing it this early, or anything like this. Im a newbie with sexual things. I like to think that since we were friends for more then 18months before we started dating, and how we started going out, that we already knew so much about each other, felt so comfortable and safe around each other, that it didnt seem awkward.
At first she felt like she should feel bad that it didnt bother her, but she says she doesn't regret anything we've done so far.

Apparently I'm already better then Eric was at being a Boyfriend
That made me smile, In my 1 month, i beat his 6 with her

She is long my longest standing relationship beating my old 33 day mark
and i couldnt be happier that she is the one that is my longest.
I enjoy all the time we spend together, and want to be around her all the time
Does this mean im falling for her? or just enjoying being around her to much?


Ugh im worn out, i can tell by the amount of typo's and wrong words i've been placing while typing this entry....and this entry doesn't even have good details, or nice poetic little parts.
This week has been horrible for sleeping habits...some nights only getting 90min - 3hrs before getting woken up and going out (Mainly to see Michelle...cause i will not miss a opportunity)

...im starting to hate this entry for that XP
Oh well, i'll be able to have a little rant on my paranoia, and how im not going to be dating a school girl cause Michelle is graduating within the week

Dispose this entry and more of one so i dont have to look at that last one i wrote...
cause this one REALLY sucks XP (i need my more poetic entries, they make me smile...and make me seem smarter)

So tonight i was standing in the shower, it was about 10:30pm
My day was fine, my week was fine, there was no worries, no problems, nothing
...why did this happen, why did it come so suddenly...why was is so strong

In a instant my arm started burning where my scars from the cutting i did way back in July or so of last year.
My mind was overwhelmed with a sudden urge to take a blade and just start letting the blood flow.

I didnt like it, not one bit, But the urge was so powerful...so painful

I collapsed into a ball at the bottom of the shower shaking, arms wrapped around my legs, Breathing heavily.

Its been so long, yet this won't leave me alone....I dont like it....not one bit....WHEN WILL I BE FREE FROM THIS CONSTANT HELL

Even though i havn't done it in months, its still a addiction, its a mental craving, my body constantly pushes and my mind tries to make me do it. I can avoid it, usually the urges are small and i can fight them no problem. But the thing is, they are there far to often....at least once every 3 days i get the thought in my head...

Why...why does this still haunt me..
Why must i live with the constant fear that i wont be able to control myself one day and end up losing to much blood and dying....

Here i sit at my computer chair, Tears streaming down my face as i talk about this, and think about what happened only a hour ago.

Please....just let this nightmare die....let this threat fade.....let me forget.
The marks on my left arm will always be there....perhaps this sickness will always be here to.
I dont want it to be, whenever i think back to when i told it was a permanent addiction, and even after months of not thinking about it, people can randomly just get a urge and cave in, it scares me...it scares me so much

I wish i didn't have to be afraid anymore.....

                             







                                                                      

In this farewell,
There's no blood,
There's no alibi,
Cause I’ve drawn regret,
From the truth,
Of a thousand lies,
So let mercy come and wash away…

What I’ve Done,
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

Put to rest,
What you thought of me
While, I clean this slate,
With the hands,
Of uncertainty,
So let mercy come,
And wash away…

What I’ve Done,
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

For what I’ve done,
I start again,
And whatever pain may come,
Today this ends,
I’m forgiving what I’ve done…

I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become,
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done…

What I’ve Done,
What I’ve Done,
Forgiving what I’ve done…

This Song, and this video really make me think.
Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes, Yet not everyone can forgive themselves for some of the things they did. The only way to repent for the past is to look to how to make a better future. If you never forgive yourself, then no one else will be able to forgive you either.

I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad about the past, but in most cases you should be able to move on. If you wern't there when you were needed most, then just try harder next time. If you dont move forward you wont be there the next time as well.

You can't live with regret and sorrow forever, Live on, move forward, Remember the past but allow yourself to live with it. If you cant forgive your past then work harder to make your future one where you don't need to be forgiven.

I've been addicted to this video and song lately, its been awhile since i was addicted to a new English song.

Side note : Am i the only one that see's blurry and slightly shifting lines for the lyrics cause of the color contrast that the eyes cant seem to grasp properly?

Now for what this post is about ~

In the words of Michelle

"And i lik eyou because, You seem to be everything eric wasnt. You seem to have what he was missing. You seem to care, you have emotions that i can see, and i dont belive are fake. You make me really happy. I can think about something we did, and just start smileing and laughing about it. I was walking down the street a day or so ago. and i thought about something that happend [i dont remember what it was now] and i just randomly started smileing while i was walking and i couldnt stop.

Theres more to it, but i really cant think how to say it?"

What can i say? This made me smile...alot...a very lot

It made me feel special, like i was a more important person in her life.
Things like this make me feel that it'll last longer then what someone (Evil Glare at Marla) bet it would, and what my initial thoughts of every were.

Side note ~ 3 weeks today XP ...yes 3 weeks is a pointless date, but hey, only 12 more days till it ties my previous longest relationship with Katherine. Who by the way, actually messaged me back ^^
it only took almost 2 months of my randomly messaging her for her to say one short line back. But at least i know she doesn't hate me now 

So much has happened, Where to start....I'll probably end up leaving LARGE pieces of important information out no matter where i begin anyways.

Lets start with what i remember as the earliest...The date is however unknown for this event..I think it was Saturday, but my mind kinda wasn't in the most sober of states.

Michelle came over, and at about 5:30 i took a hit of E. I knew she didnt like it, i knew she would be mad, yet i still ended up doing it. I'm not sure why, perhaps cause of the effects and the fact that she said she had to be there if i did it. The effects of the drug are best used around people your close with, or great friends, since its a bonding / hornyness passion type of drug. At first i thought everything was going well, i was enjoying myself, it had been a few months since i touched the stuff, And I got lots of cuddles....But after awhile i couldn't help but notice the look in her eyes. That look nearly killed me, The sadness and dissipointment that flowed from them...it was to much to bear.

After I walked her home i decided to make some pizza..and burned my hand in the oven. Damn that hurt so much, the pain kept for about 5 hours or so of non stop throbing (unless i had ice on it) Guess that was my punishment XP

Within the next few days Morgan came back into town for another court date (Due to events that some punks did last night to her and other of my friends) so i got to spend some time with her, Marla, Michelle, Josh, Cody, Corey, Thomas...i think thats everyone.

Now Corey was hitting on Michelle in the past, and even invited her to go ALONE to his cabin for a few hours. Yet at the end of this night, he learned me and her were dating....by forms of events happening in the back seat of his car (Not sex you pervs XP) just make-outs and such.

Whats next.....

Saw the Spiderman 3 advance screening, But the only significant part of this story is that me and Aaron got bored of sitting on the ground in the line up and dragged a bench from down the hallway so we could sit on it XP

I also learned that Marla is betting on how long me and Michelle will last. Thats so not cool. Sure i didn't know about anything at first and had my doubts, but currently i'm feeling quite confident in this relationship. I just wish i had more money so i could take her out...not that i mind that all we do is really cuddle in my bed.

Im not sure how to write the next thing....Michelle reads my blog and it'll be awkward >_>

MICHELLE, YOU CAN IGNORE THIS PART

Well we moved up from a "8th grade" couple to a "9th to 10th grade" couple with some of the events in my bedroom. Which the end resulted was me being wet in the pants, and i know she was wet down there as well
(I'd say more...but i know she'll read it and it'll be awkward....this is exactly why you dont tell people your journal account ><)

Edit:
Ah I love Dr.Tran

School is now done, another chapter of my life is complete, and a new one is yet to be written. What i got on my finals i'm not yet sure, but im pretty sure i only did good on my Japanese one.

But oh well, nothing i can do about it now, if i did bad its my own fault for not caring enough about studying when i had time in excess.
Now i need to go and get a job, make some money, and tidy myself up. I'm going job-hunting with my friend tomorrow and hopefully one of the stores will accept me with my overly crap resume.

On Tues night i got home several hours earlier then i expected due to some plans being canceled (as usual) But it didn't matter, for I was able to go out and spend some time with friends that i haven't seen in a few weeks, and in the case of Morgan, a few months.
How i miss the days like that night, Just being kids, screwing around, everyone smiling, enjoying the company of everyone around, sucking in every moment to its fullest.
I had to steal Michelle away from Corey several times, he's been making some 'moves' on her, (But i didnt know till afterwords ) Yet i was always there to steal her away at just the right moment.
I still don't think he know's were dating, but oh well XD

So me and Michelle are doing good so far, no problems are persisting as far as i know so far. We're starting to get closer, however my feelings are still not for certain.....If only these things were easier....but if that was the case it wouldn't be as good would it?
Hopefully i'll be able to figure out soon, Cause if she starts to grow feelings for me, and mine are just from the initial "Like her because she's there" then its not very fair to her.

I find it amazing at how easily Asian girls can control me. There's this one that has me wrapped around her finger, we don't even know each other that well and i find that she basically took control because in her words "She cares about me".
I barely even know her, and im already whipped.....
CURSE THE POWERS OF ASIAN FEMALES ><

...in a random note, i find it funny how many Asian groups i'm in on Facebook
These are all the groups im in that have relation to Asians

Reon Kadena Fans
Asian Girls are the Best
WE LOVE ASIAN MUSIC AND WE ARE PROUD!
Japanese Music
YUI: 'nuff Said
I ♡ Bubble Tea
沢尻 エリカ Sawajiri Erika and her Masterpieces
Asian (Or I wish I were) and PROUD of it!
I am addicted to Korean/Japanese/Chinese/Taiwanese Drama
I love Asian Girls
White + asian = Wasian
Everyone Loves A Japanese Girl
Addicted to Asian Dramas
Everyone ♥'s an ASIAN GIRL :)
1 Litre of Tears
I sold my soul to Manga long ago...
Taiyou no Uta(A Song to the Sun)
asians for life
I am an asian-wannabe
I LOVE ASIAN WOMEN
Hello! Project Fans

CAN YOU SAY OBSESSED MUCH >_>

Tonight I watched a movie that easily became on of my Favorites
It's called "Densha Otoko" Or "Train Man" In english

If i wrote a little synopsis on it, i would give to much away, so here's one from another site

" Computer engineer Otaku (the Japanese term for "geek") is an average young man, dressed in unstylish clothes and dorky glasses. But as luck would have it, he encounters a pretty young woman on a commuter train and saves her from a lecherous molester, falling in love with her at first sight. A few days later he receives a thank-you message from the woman along with a set of Hermes teacups.

Having never had a girlfriend or received a gift from a girl in his life, Otaku seeks out his pals on his IRC website for advice using his codename Train_Man (Densha Otoko): "How should I ask her out?" Deeply interested in Train_Man’s first love, his IRC pals eagerly supply him with advice. Encouraged by their support, Train_Man undergoes a total makeover for his first-ever date with "Hermes." Little does he know that he is about to ignite an Internet phenomenon... "

I Really enjoyed this movie, and HIGHLY recommend downloading it...Specially if your a Otaku XD

Since there is also a drama series on this (which 90% of the time are always better) i suggest watching the movie first, that way you can appreciate them both more.

Neeways, thats enough of my Fanboyism's for tonight, I leave you with Yui's new PV
"My Generation"

So its about 22hrs till my Japanese final. My studying so far....ok, with the amount of time left (since im not sleeping tonight XP) is more then adaquat to get fully prepared. But when i should be focusing on my work, im here sitting on the comp. Perhaps cause its daytime and i cant concentrate much in the daylight.
Im a nightowl, and thats when i usually do my work....But I should be doing it now, not blogging, but i cant see to....i just cant discipline myself very well.

but oh well, i can panic once the test comes closer and closer to fated time when i must start. And with a 12 pack of pepsi to keep me awake and alert all night i should be fine....Until i get to the Kanji at the end XP

Nothing new really happened, Karen's flirting is getting alot more....uhhh straightforward XP
So much that it actually makes me laugh at times.
one example

Karen "But i dont want you to see me with my hair crap like this, i need to make a good impression"
Me "but we already saw each other before, does it really matter? unless your trying to get me"
Karen "But I am"
Karen "...seriously i am"

~ THIS IS ABOUT IT FOR THE BLOG, THE REST IS ABOUT NEW DRAMA'S OR COMPLETE SERIES & MOVIES....AND THE PROMISED MUSIC PER POST ~

Now for something a little new with my blog.
Reviews, this is for when i finish drama series, or talk about new series that Just came out and the latest episodes of it. Mainly it'll only be done when i complete series and write very small comments about it

First up

Sukeban Deka: Codename = Asamiya Saki

Sukeban Deka: Codename = Asamiya Saki (スケバン刑事 コードネーム=麻宮サキ, Sukeban Deka: Codename = Asamiya Saki^?) is a Japanese film within the Sukeban Deka film series. It stars Aya Matsuura with the lead role as Saki Asamiya and Rika Ishikawa cast as her rival, Reika Akiyama. Yuki Saitō, who played the role of Saki in the first live action TV series, stars as Saki's mother. The movie was released on September 30, 2006, and will have the official English title of Yo-Yo Girl Cop.


~ This has got the be the silliest idea for a movie that i ever did see XP
But hey, it wasn't half bad. The story was abit lacking, and the special effects were...alright.
The last fight was abit cheesy, but until then it was quite good, the main girl Aya has some awesome moves (including a backflip kick near the start of the movie). The girl i found the cutest in the movie was the one that everyone picked on....i would have been her friend, she's smexy XP
Overall i rate it a 6/10
Good to download, or rent.
Buying it....if you have excess money...or like Morning Musume girls


ライアーゲーム (Liar Game)

Synopsis

Based on the manga series of the same name, Toda Erika plays an honest college student, Kanzaki Nao, who receives a hundred million dollars one day, along with a card saying she has been chosen to take part in the "Liar Game". The aim of the game is to trick the other players out of their hundred million dollars. At the end, the winner gets the hundred million and the loser is a hundred million dollars in debt. The next day, she receives notification that her opponent is her former teacher, Fujisawa Kazuo. She goes to him, seeking help, but ends up getting tricked into handing her money over. Desperate, she approaches the police for help, but they are unable to do anything. However, she is told of a mastermind swindler, Akiyama Shinichi, who is to be released from jail the next day. Desperate, she goes to him for help. -- Rikayla

Episode 1 ~ 7.5
Episode 2 ~ 7.0

Only 2 episodes are out so far, and this series is picking up nicely, Its not really a genetic series as far as i can tell so far...but im new to the drama scene. The first episode had some good random comedy placed in it, and the end of the second episode was quite interesting. (i dont want to give anything away ><)
I say download it, Its turning out to be a good series so far, and has a Avg TV rating of 12.5% so far (so about 1 in every 10 people watch it) which is a decent rating for shows, meaning its of average popularity.

Also ~
I finally got some new Reon Kadena videos <3
She is like sex for eyes, so damn cute




And like usual, here is the Video for this post
Todays music ~ Aqua Timez - "Sen no yoru wo koete"